Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
