i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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