toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
