I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
