You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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