i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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