I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sext me about skeletons
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
