Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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