I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
