While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
