Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
