I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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