Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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