I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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