Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
