Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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