Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
