How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
