i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
