She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize