my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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