My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
