Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
