dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
