remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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