omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize