I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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