I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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