i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
