Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
