I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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