So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
