....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
