i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
