My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Randomize
