I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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