rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
