I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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