I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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