Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
