New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
