Do you still have your period?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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