I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
