Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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