I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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