If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
