Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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