like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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