I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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