I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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