If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
