you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
