Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My bed smells like the plague
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
