It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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