i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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