oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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